My sincerest apologies in advance, I have no idea where this came from. I just started typing, passed out and woke up with this and an overwhelming sense of calm..........
Gym Gear- I don’t understand this concept at all. I buy clothes to wear about, when those clothes become old and tatty, I wear that shit to the gym. Tighten up.
Body Shaming- Too big, too small, too fat, too thin, too muscly, too ‘manly’. Nah mate, you’re too f*#kin’ opinionated. Away back to your little troll life on Troll Island ya numpty.
Massive Headphones in the gym- Unless you’re Gary Linekar, there’s no call whatsoever. We know you’re a cck, you know you’re a cck, there’s no need to brandish your cckery in the gym whilst you flex in the mirror, you cck.
Baseball Caps in the gym- see point about Headphones.
Ridiculous Supplements- Stop lying to yourself. That cocktail of shit that you are taking is never going to undo the damage of that 15inch pepperoni and banana pizza you just ate. Yes bananas are a fruit but your thinking is fruity if you think that the Jippitywoozle Fat Burning shake you just downed is going to make any f*#king difference.
Before and After Photos EVERYWHERE- OK, so I get that some people are trying to motivate others and maybe even give themselves a well deserved pat on the back, totally cool with that. Far too many jackasses posting a glorified spangly h@rd on every 5 seconds in a public display of ‘ooooh look at what I did
Extreme Diets- F#k off, just f#k right off now! Have you any idea of the damage you’re causing people down the line? Tw@t!!
Shitty Gym Music- The right music can lift you off your knees for that last set of squats when you really need it, thumping Euro dance 24/7 just makes me die a little inside each day.
The term, ‘No pain, no gain’- Really? It’s 2016 Rocky, welcome to the future.
Celebrity Training Advice- Their main job is to pretend to be somebody else. You wouldn’t ask them for advice about your mortgage, what on Earth makes you think they know diddly squat about exercise physiology and nutrition?
Hammering Away at an Exercise with Poor Technique- Quality over quantity every time. Learn the move, progress intelligently. If its hurting you and you’re doing it wrong, learn it again!
Guys Perving on Chicks in the Gym- Stop it, like right now ya knucklehead. If your Mum, Sister, Daughter or Partner goes to a gym then think on that a second………
Weight Loss Wraps- I mean, what the actual f*#k??? Cling film around your tummy?? Why stop there, why not wrap it around your head and all of a sudden that little bit of belly wobble will be the least of your worries! (can’t believe I have to do this in this day and age but don’t actually do that as you will most likely die!)
Chicks Dressing Like They’re Auditioning for PornHub in the Gym- Sometimes I literally have no words and that’s when acronyms come in handy……..OMFG WTF?
Dudes Getting in Shape and Becoming Overnight PT’s- Oh, so you go to the gym a lot and are ripped? Here, have my business. I’m going to go lie in a shuck and cry myself to sleep.
Excuses That Are So Bad Your Old Primary School Teacher Wouldn’t Buy Them- Your dog ate your food diary. All of the veggies went out of date on the same day so you ate a half kilo of M&M’s, the green ones count as one of your 5 a day, don’t they? Over-active thyroid or under-active everything else?
Exercise Snobbery- So you lift weights, big deal, I’ll race you. So you run marathons, yep, I could literally lift you and throw you into the next parish. Neither of you are better than the other, you just do different stuff for shits and giggles. That’s cool, don’t be a dick about it!
Multi Level Marketing Companies Preying on the Confused and the Vulnerable- My blood pressure rises at an alarming rate when I think of these spider monkey riding, scuzz buckets buying their next Mercedes off of the dough they made from poor Betsy down the road who thinks she just got the magic beans of fitness. If you sell any of that shit (and you know who I’m talking to, I can see you through that little camera on the front of your device there) slap yourself in the face with a damp cloth soaked in whatever shake you’re selling this week and apologise to your parents for turning out how you did.
Fitness Marketing- “Are you fat and ugly? Diall 1-800 CRAPPYGYM and just be ugly instead.” I have literally never experienced lower levels of human to human interaction than I have seen when some gyms attempt to ‘market’ themselves to the public. I hang my head in shame at times when I am associated with this industry.
Focusing on Aesthetics Rather than Health- OK, I get it. They’re your goals and you can do what you want. Right, calm down. From my experience there are 3 reasons people train; Health, Performance and Aesthetics. Funny thing is, if you approach them in the order that I just listed, aesthetics gets taken care of just fine. Problems arise when folks chase aesthetics first at the expense of health and performance. Don’t be stupid, prioritise health first, ALWAYS!
Obsessing Over Weight/6 Pack Abs/Insert Meaningless Benchmark here- How many times do I have to tell you that you’re more than all that. You are literally the only version of you that there will ever be and there you sit, giving yourself a hard time over a number on a scale or a perceived image of perfection that was conjured up by a ‘majority’ that you’ll likely never meet, encounter, care about or should ever care about. You’re a perfect little smidgen of imperfectness occupying a space that only you will ever occupy so don’t you dare spend another second measuring yourself against the ideals of others. You may come up short in ‘their’ eyes but you shine like a big ass star in mine and I think you’re awesome, like Katy Perry awesome.
OK I’m gonna stop here because this thing could go on forever and a day.
I hope you don’t think that I’m a grumpy oul shit after this but it has been sooooo therapeutic to get all that off my chest, try it sometime. ;-)
I promise next week I’ll be back to sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. You’ll indulge me with one dark day, right?
You’re cool like that.
Don’t make me put you on my next list………